1. Pick your
battles (sort of)
We've all
heard this adage. Picking your battles indicates that instead of sharing your
feelings on many issues, you pick a select few to run with. Seeing as how
marriage lasts a lifetime, personally I don't want to swallow all of my
neurotic preferences until one day I just freak out about the cereal bowl having flakes stuck on it againnn because someone didn't rinse
it. All of it could be saved by communication.
So instead
my approach is, space out
your battles. If I just asked Joel not to leave
his fingernail clippings in the sink, then I will wait awhile before I ask that
flossing teeth doesn't happen outside the bathroom. I then wait the appropriate
amount of time before briefing him on “Sweat, the Yoga Mat, and Our Friend
Mr. Towel” & if everything's still cool I'll throw in a
quick “Best Practices for Dirty Socks”.
Making your requests rapid fire style could result in your words being misconstrued as “nagging,”
a term I deplore (Joel has never said this to me, but I hear rumor that partners use it), or a remark like one of Joel's favorites, “How about we turn the temperature down on this pressure cooker?"
One thing I |
I am an enthusiastic taker of couplies (did I just invent that?!) and Joel dislikes taking photos. Let this illustrate the principle above.
At first, happy happy.
At first, happy happy.
Second one, kiss pic! We're doing okay!
The third one is pushing it. Good-humored smile is gone. Look at those eyes! They say so much.
Come on, one more Joel, I just got this cool new cat hat! (RIP cat hat, we hardly knew ye.)
I'm still having a good time, but by number 5 (which was actually like number 14 : x) you can see the situation has deteriorated. This brings us to our next point...
2. Cooperation is key (and moderately painful)
One of our engagement photos, obviously, ha! |
my life
the way I want to, so I'm learning to compromise regularly (instead
of the one time and then for years being like, Hey, I compromised in 2012! : ))
Fortunately,
Joel and I lived together for about two years total before tying the knot, so
there aren't many surprises, thank goodness, but marriage is still a
game-changer. Pretty much our only challenge has been negotiating
about money and lifestyle, which ties into money. Joel's spending habits mirror
that of an old man who grew up during the depression. No need for cups, we have jars! This “meat product” is on sale! I,
on the other hand, love my creature comforts. Almond milk, organic everything,
pillows, candles, earrings, tights...Hey a sista's gotta look good!
We argue
over how much money I can give to homeless people (I say it's
good for our karmic bank, and Joel says “How about we put it in our actual
bank?” Ha ha touché.), then end up laughing about something. I like
to keep in mind that challenging each other is critical to our evolution as
people, and getting challenged by someone who really really loves and
trusts you, and that you really really love and trust, is as good as it gets.
3. It's for-ev-er.
Something
I wasn't expecting was random bursts of nostalgia and reflection on past
relationships. Joel's had them too. It's kind of like they are finally over in
a way they weren't before. Marrying someone else is the last nail in the
coffin, even with people I was sure I'd never get back together with anyway.
It's strange to have ties to people who were such a big part of my life, and
now those eras are irrevocably over, and there's really nothing left to say.
4. Make
time for yourself.
In the
great words of my mother, “How can I miss you if you never go away?” It's
really easy to spend allll of your free time together, especially as newlyweds.
Joel and I moved to France right after our wedding so we've spent a totally
insane amount of time together, just the two of us. Obviously we're stoked to
spend time together, but I think it's important to feel affirmed as individuals
in an independent way.
If I'm
feeling overwhelmed, it usually means I need some time alone, so I'll go for a
walk or spend the afternoon wandering through town, doing my thing. Next month
I'm going to England solo and am looking forward to it. It's nice
to not have to be anything to anyone sometimes, and be completely
self-involved for awhile. Make sure to get rejuvenated however you need to, so
for-ev-er can be as pleasant as possible.
5. People think you're kinda lame...
5 1/2. ..You are kinda lame...and it feels awesome.
The second
we got married, Joel and I got approximately 60% lamer in terms of our social
lives. We just don't want to go out. Why go out? We have delicious treats,
cuddles, and pajamas right here for free. Plus we gotta go to bed early, got a
lot of work to do tomorrow.
Did you
just threw up a little in your mouth, or are shaking your head sadly? This will
be you sooner than you think!! Don't get me wrong, we are still kickass and in
my opinion majorly improved from our former selves, but in terms of party time
excellent, we are the nectar of lame, or in lame-man's terms, lamesauce. That
was elaborate.
Once
looking for people to hook up with became irrelevant, and I realized life is
much easier not trying to be friends with everybody, going out seemed like
a waste of time, energy, and money. |This is combined with the fact that I
am officially past my party prime, so chugging beer results in bloating,
nausea, and acid reflux. It's a far cry from my college days of pitcher offs.
But, it's
a good thing. I go running. I stretch. I meditate every day. I know I'm not missing anything, I socialized for like 10 years
STRAIGHT. Seriously. I developed few skills that didn't involve eating
impressive amounts of hot wings or perfecting my Bloody Mary recipe. I want to
make money, be fluent in French, and do a million other things that will make
me a total boss.
6. Appreciate the moment
Living in gratitude is the most important lesson I've learned. At the end of the day, petty differences in preferences and everything else are meaningless.
It's easy to get caught up in the details of life, projecting into the future in terms of work, money, moving, etc. And sometimes it's easy to think about the past, and romanticize certain aspects of life before we were inextricably linked to one another. But remembering what a friend told me, "People would literally kill for what you guys have" puts it into perspective and makes me feel incredibly lucky and grateful to have a partner to go through life with. Enjoying the moment, and not letting stress or other distractions infringe on it, is what will create our many cherished memories of this short time on earth together.
I would love to hear your thoughts! If you're married, do you agree with some of these? If you're not married, are you afraid of what marriage will bring?
I don't know who any of these ladies are but they look like they're having a great time. |
6. Appreciate the moment
Living in gratitude is the most important lesson I've learned. At the end of the day, petty differences in preferences and everything else are meaningless.
It's easy to get caught up in the details of life, projecting into the future in terms of work, money, moving, etc. And sometimes it's easy to think about the past, and romanticize certain aspects of life before we were inextricably linked to one another. But remembering what a friend told me, "People would literally kill for what you guys have" puts it into perspective and makes me feel incredibly lucky and grateful to have a partner to go through life with. Enjoying the moment, and not letting stress or other distractions infringe on it, is what will create our many cherished memories of this short time on earth together.
I would love to hear your thoughts! If you're married, do you agree with some of these? If you're not married, are you afraid of what marriage will bring?