6 things I've learned in 6 months of marriage

There are loads of articles on wisdom from people who have been married for 20+ years, but what wisdom can we glean as n00bs? Here's my take.

1. Pick your battles (sort of) 

We've all heard this adage. Picking your battles indicates that instead of sharing your feelings on many issues, you pick a select few to run with. Seeing as how marriage lasts a lifetime, personally I don't want to swallow all of my neurotic preferences until one day I just freak out about the cereal bowl having flakes stuck on it againnn because someone didn't rinse it. All of it could be saved by communication.

So instead my approach is, space out your battles. If I just asked Joel not to leave his fingernail clippings in the sink, then I will wait awhile before I ask that flossing teeth doesn't happen outside the bathroom. I then wait the appropriate amount of time before briefing him on “Sweat, the Yoga Mat, and Our Friend Mr. Towel” & if everything's still cool I'll throw in  a quick “Best Practices for Dirty Socks”.

One thing I complain inquire about is going out in these heinous pants, which look as if they were stolen from a pirate's garbage can after he decided it was time to throw them out.

 Making your requests rapid fire style could result in your words being misconstrued as “nagging,” a term I deplore (Joel has never said this to me, but I hear rumor that partners use it), or a remark like one of Joel's favorites, “How about we turn the temperature down on this pressure cooker?"

 

Like many things in life, selfies say it best.

I am an enthusiastic taker of couplies (did I just invent that?!) and Joel dislikes taking photos. Let this illustrate the principle above.
At first, happy happy.

Second one, kiss pic! We're doing okay!








The third one is pushing it. Good-humored smile is gone. Look at those eyes! They say so much.

Come on, one more Joel, I just got this cool new cat hat! (RIP cat hat, we hardly knew ye.)












I'm still having a good time, but by number 5 (which was actually like number 14 : x) you can see the situation has deteriorated. This brings us to our next point...

2. Cooperation is key (and moderately painful)

 

One of our engagement photos, obviously, ha!

 Ah, marriage. The magical world where doing what you want all the time is a really bad idea. I'm really good at listening and taking Joel's feelings and opinions into consideration...so long as it doesn't conflict with what I want. Then it gets tricky. I'm very used to being independent and running

my life the way I want to, so I'm learning to compromise regularly (instead of the one time and then for years being like, Hey, I compromised in 2012! : ))

Fortunately, Joel and I lived together for about two years total before tying the knot, so there aren't many surprises, thank goodness, but marriage is still a game-changer. Pretty much our only challenge has been negotiating about money and lifestyle, which ties into money. Joel's spending habits mirror that of an old man who grew up during the depression. No need for cups, we have jars! This “meat product” is on sale! I, on the other hand, love my creature comforts. Almond milk, organic everything, pillows, candles, earrings, tights...Hey a sista's gotta look good!

We argue over how much money I can give to homeless people (I say it's good for our karmic bank, and Joel says “How about we put it in our actual bank?” Ha ha touché.), then end up laughing about something. I like to keep in mind that challenging each other is critical to our evolution as people, and getting challenged by someone who really really loves and trusts you, and that you really really love and trust, is as good as it gets.

3. It's for-ev-er.

You might be thinking, “Uh yeah duh, that's what marriage is.” But it's amazing how many times we'll be going about our adult life business and one of us will say, “Whoa we're married!" It's as if we've just come out of a 6 month long bender, with vague memories of a wedding and honeymoon, the full effect setting in little by little.

Something I wasn't expecting was random bursts of nostalgia and reflection on past relationships. Joel's had them too. It's kind of like they are finally over in a way they weren't before. Marrying someone else is the last nail in the coffin, even with people I was sure I'd never get back together with anyway. It's strange to have ties to people who were such a big part of my life, and now those eras are irrevocably over, and there's really nothing left to say. 

 

4. Make time for yourself.

 

In the great words of my mother, “How can I miss you if you never go away?” It's really easy to spend allll of your free time together, especially as newlyweds. Joel and I moved to France right after our wedding so we've spent a totally insane amount of time together, just the two of us. Obviously we're stoked to spend time together, but I think it's important to feel affirmed as individuals in an independent way. 

If I'm feeling overwhelmed, it usually means I need some time alone, so I'll go for a walk or spend the afternoon wandering through town, doing my thing. Next month I'm going to England solo and am looking forward to it. It's nice to not have to be anything to anyone sometimes, and be completely self-involved for awhile. Make sure to get rejuvenated however you need to, so for-ev-er can be as pleasant as possible.

5. People think you're kinda lame...

 

Coming into Joel's new grad school program, his unmarried colleagues sort of labeled him as the married dude to his unmarried colleagues. I've had a similar experience when meeting people. There's this sort of disconnect with new single acquaintances, which is only mildly helped by the fact that I have totally been through it and we can exchange stories. But empathizing through past experiences isn't quite the same as treading through nights on the town and awkward dating disasters together today. Still, I want to be like, "I'm still cool!" But...

5 1/2. ..You are kinda lame...and it feels awesome. 
 

The second we got married, Joel and I got approximately 60% lamer in terms of our social lives. We just don't want to go out. Why go out? We have delicious treats, cuddles, and pajamas right here for free. Plus we gotta go to bed early, got a lot of work to do tomorrow.
 

Did you just threw up a little in your mouth, or are shaking your head sadly? This will be you sooner than you think!! Don't get me wrong, we are still kickass and in my opinion majorly improved from our former selves, but in terms of party time excellent, we are the nectar of lame, or in lame-man's terms, lamesauce. That was elaborate. 

Once looking for people to hook up with became irrelevant, and I realized life is much easier not trying to be friends with everybody, going out seemed like a waste of time, energy, and money. |This is combined with the fact that I am officially past my party prime, so chugging beer results in bloating, nausea, and acid reflux. It's a far cry from my college days of pitcher offs.

I don't know who any of these ladies are but they look like they're having a great time.

But, it's a good thing. I go running. I stretch. I meditate every day. I know I'm not missing anything, I socialized for like 10 years STRAIGHT. Seriously. I developed few skills that didn't involve eating impressive amounts of hot wings or perfecting my Bloody Mary recipe. I want to make money, be fluent in French, and do a million other things that will make me a total boss.

6. Appreciate the moment

Living in gratitude is the most important lesson I've learned. At the end of the day, petty differences in preferences and everything else are meaningless.

It's easy to get caught up in the details of life, projecting into the future in terms of work, money, moving, etc. And sometimes it's easy to think about the past, and romanticize certain aspects of life before we were inextricably linked to one another. But remembering what a friend told me, "People would literally kill for what you guys have" puts it into perspective and makes me feel incredibly lucky and grateful to have a partner to go through life with. Enjoying the moment, and not letting stress or other distractions infringe on it, is what will create our many cherished memories of this short time on earth together.

Speaking of stealing things from trash cans, we saw this tree on the street and took it home. I've decided it's a gratitude tree. There are a couple of pictures on it, notes of what I'm grateful for, and little gifts we've received. Not everyone will find an abandoned apartment-friendly tree, but I encourage you to make a gratitude jar or something similar. The visual reminder is uplifting.

That's it for now. I would love to hear your thoughts! If you're married, do you agree with some of these? If you're not married, are you afraid of what marriage will bring?

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

The holiday season is upon us. There are so many things I love about this time of year. Lights! Christmas carols! Watching a fireplace DVD! (oohhh) Trees decorated with lights! Planning an ultra fabulous meal! Feeling the warmth of loved ones near and far! (ahhh)

It is freakin' cold. The trusty puffy coat I bought from the men's section at Old Navy like 7 years ago that adds 10 pounds to all the wrong places is once again my constant companion. Recently I was wahhhing about getting out of bed and facing...who knows what outside....will it be raining (il pleut)? Hailing (il grêle)? or just burr-tastic (tres froid)?

zero filter!

As I was settling into the idea of finally following the grandpa from Willy Wonka and never getting out of bed again, Joel lured me out with the incredible sunrise over the canal next to our place. Oh my goodness. In an instant, I was re-filled with complete and utter gratefulness.

As of Christmas 2014, I will have missed 4 out of the last 5 Christmases at home. Much to my poor mother's dismay, traveling for long periods of time remains one of my most favorite things ever.

Tree shopping with mom in 2011, my last Christmas
at home. Joel got to partake in the epic and brutal selection
process for the perfect tree.

2012 was my worst Christmas ever as I was SO sick and had to work...therefore, there are no photos. So here's one of the many jolly Dunkin' Donuts ads I saw whilst in Korea.

Christmas Day, Thailand, 2013. All I wanted was to sit here, drink a piña colada, and chill.  

Despite many awesome adult Christmases, none compare to my AMAZING Christmases as a kid.  My mom is generally awesome (and I know she's reading this so hayyyy ma!) but her awesomeness became, like, Iron Man/Ruth Bader Ginsburg status on special occasions. Birthday month, no-holds-barred Halloween candy eating, and the year's crème de la créme, CHRISTMAS. Mom loves 3 things in this world- Jesus, parties, and family, and the trifecta lights up (literally) on December 25th. Adding the fact that grandma's birthday is Christmas Eve and the whole holiday season is just bananas for the Malan crew. There's every single dessert known to human kind, advent calendars, online advent calendars, pre-Christmas holiday festivities, approximately 172 emails, and overall enough hooplah to last a lifetime.

Interestingly, the epic Christmas excitement has not translated to adulthood. I like Jesus fine, but don't care for going to church nor the depiction of him as a blue-eyed white boy (in the Middle East? Schyeahhh right). Far more intense is my STRONG dislike, inching toward the H word, for overconsumption, particularly calendar-dictated overconsumption. I've boycotted Black Friday for years and have expressed my distinct lack of interest in gifts, unless the person really wants to give me something, because that's just nice and fun. My issue is with the, oh I have to get you something on this particular day, the more the better so you know I really care! mentality. I don't think a person is bad or wrong for thinking that, I think it's so ingrained in our culture that many (most?) of us feel bad or wrong if we don't feel that way.

My favorite part of having Christmas away is that I can buck all the traditions I don't care for and just enjoy the stuff I like.

One complication has popped up this year, however. I babysit two girls, ages 4 and 9, who LOVE stuff. Toys, dolls, coloring books, puppets, costumes, you name it. They haven't yet seen trash island or learned about slave labor (God bless 'em), and they think stuff is simply fun. So I've been facing this dilemma- do I buy them something for Christmas?

Photo credit: Start With the Heart

My initial idea was to make some elaborate project, which just didn't happen. I also know that like all children, toys are number one for these little ladies. So, I bundled up and went to the center of town determined to get these little ladies some stuff.

Long story short- I bought no stuff. The Made in China princess toys, the plastic boxes of crap, the overpriced kits they'll forget about in a few months...I just couldn't do it. I wandered from store to store, each bustling with list-carrying adults and children screaming "mama!" from two aisles over. I looked, contemplated, and eventually put the item back, time after time. As you can imagine, this became quite frustrating. Finally, I had a little conversation with myself.

I have been doing A LOT of self-helping lately. I'm drinking the Koolaid of personal improvement all day err day. I'm reading, meditating, affirming, mantra-ing, thanking, questioning, seeking. It's awesome and challenging. Most recently, I discovered Byron Katie. If you don't know who she is, check her out right meow. She wrote Loving What Is: Four Questions that Can Change Your Life, which is truly extraordinary. To super duper sum up her deal, you put all stressful thoughts under Inquiry aka you do The Work by asking four questions. So I started doing this with my shopping dilemma. I figured out that I felt like in order to show the girls that I care, I had to buy them stuff. But that's not who I am, and that's not how I show people I care. I'm their babysitter, not someone else, so I should express love in my own way.

So, I made them an ornament with their family name on it, and a little card to go with it.

The back. I think they liked it :)

The front of the ornament

The lights of the Christmas market.

We have enjoyed the MANY Christmas (haven't seen any other holiday celebrations out and about) festivities here in Nancy. The French are obsessed with Christmas. The bus reader board's say "Joyeux Noël!" instead of their destination. A Christmas market popped up downtown with 20 stands serving waffles, churros, candy, and vin chaud (hot wine aka the love of my life).

There was a Saint Nicolas parade last weekend. I went with Céline, my awesome neighbor/language exchange partner/friend and my new friend Martha, a British student working as an Au Pair and taking French classes here in Nancy.

An American. French and Brit enjoying the festivities (and free soup!)

We passed by the parade starting point before it began and were surprised to see a big elephant. We kept going and saw a bunch of clowns juggling.

One of the cool mechanical animals. Its eyes moved!

Then we saw some jesters warming up on their stilts. Céline, who is from Lyon (the Fête des Lumieres or Festival of Lights is held here, which is f*cking amazing. The city spends a metric buttload to project elaborate stories onto buildings in the city), only a few hours south of here, but she was equally perplexed about this Cirque du Soleil-esque "Christmas" parade.

It turns out that since Nancy has a parade for Christmas every year, they like to change up the theme. Can I just say how much I love France? Enough people were like, "Christmas themed parade AGAIN? Nah, let's do the Renaissance," which was actually the theme a couple years ago. They've also done "tales," which sounds rad, and this year was circus-themed. Mechanical and elaborately painted circus animals, a merry-go-round, mimes, and marching bands (one of which had a penchant for instrumental Lady Gaga) covered the street.

Another fun event that Joel and I attended was the Saint Nicolas "Pyrotechnics Spectacle," which was VERY interesting. A little background about Saint Nicolas: Here, he is NOT Santa. Saint Nicolas is the Patron Saint of Lorraine (the region Nancy is in). He looks like this:

Credit: Nancy Tourism website

Apparently he has a "big hoop earring" and is "very unpleasant unless he's around children," according to a woman I chatted with. At the pyrotechnics spectac, there were loads of fireworks and an astounding amount of people trying to cram into the Place (town square) trying to see them and hear the story. We couldn't really follow the story from where we were, but at one point we heard a familiar song. "Uhhh is this the song that plays in Kill Bill when Uma kills Lucy Liu?" Indeed, in the snow when Lucy Liu gets the top of her head cut off an epic song plays, which now played during the Christmas spectac. They also featured the main song from Lone Ranger. Lolz.

Clearly confused, I asked one of the girls I babysit to explain it to me. This is the story, verbatim:

All the main streets were lined with confetti

3 children get lost in the woods and end up at a house. One doesn't have a good feeling about it, and all 3 end up being chopped up into little pieces and put into a really old chest. No one knows what happened to them. 7 years later, Saint Nicolas is going to buy beer -

"Wait, what? He's buying beer?"

Yeah. But while he's there, the lady says, I am sad because my children have been gone for 7 years. Saint Nicolas says, I will avenge their death. And he goes to the man's house in the woods and says, I really like your chest, can I buy it and everything inside of it? And then he and the man fight. And then Saint Nicolas makes the kids come back to life.

I asked her about the Western music. She shrugged and said he has a donkey so maybe that has something to do with it. Amazing.


I will end this post with a life lesson from the same evening. As I mentioned, it seemed the whole region (including the two of us ) was desperately trying to see the fireworks, but we couldn't see much of anything.

Our firework view from the plaza...weak sauce!

We needed to get to the other side, which required going around the block. Joel and I kept going back and forth on whether to stay where we were and make due with what we had (mediocre view at best), or try to get the other side, possibly missing the rest of the show, but possibly getting a much better view.

Well, like I said I've been on a big self-help kick, and part of that is a No Settling policy. Instead, I go for it and kick as much ass as possible and, most importantly, trust that the universe has my back. So we booked it out of there, and stood just outside the plaza assessing our next move. Then we realized that right there, 30 feet away from the packed view-less space, was an amazing view with hardly anyone there because they all thought they had to get into the plaza to enjoy the show. The experience really resonated with me. Go for it. If you think you're worthy of something and make an effort to get it, rewards follow.

Our view when we decided to go for it

                              Happy Holidays from Our Home to Yours!!! xoxoxoxo

                                 

Feelin' fancy in Nancy!

Bonjour mes amours! Welcome to France!

Joel had some sun in his eyes :)

We have been here for nearly a month (wow!) and are absolutely loving it. Our town is Nancy which is in the Lorraine region, home of the Quiche Lorraine and Université de Lorraine which has ~53,000 students, including Joelie. It doesn't feel like a college town to me because it's so classic French, but the people are youthful and it gets rowdy on the weekends. I love that the college demographic provides live music and festivals, and the intense cultural appreciation gives us loads of museums, cathedrals, etc. 

For this first entry, I will take you through a day out and about. 

When I wake up in the morning, I immediately look outside to check the weather and admire the beautiful canal. The trail adjacent to the canal goes for miles into town, allowing for a peaceful walk where I likely run into ducks, a kitty (in the 3rd picture, I call her "Très Mignonne" which means "very cute" for females), and sometimes A SWAN. Yeah. One day I saw the swan eating a pain au chocolat. TOO CUTE.

Clear, foggy, or thunderstorm, it's beautiful.

On the walk, I see loads of beautiful buildings and doors.

Brasseries are everywhere, they have coffee, pastries and every other form of gluten, as well as slightly more heavy food (sandwiches or the classic 'croque monsieur,' a sort of savory French toast with meat and cheese)

Fresh, local, organic, and REASONABLE produce might be my favorite thing about France. Processed food is pricier than natural food. Wonderful.

Cafés and little shops have lots of character. Here two men play chess while one smokes a cigar. The stereotype about French people loving their cigarettes is unfortunately very true, even though they cost a fortune!

Once in town, there is a FABULOUS park, Parc de la Pépinière, which includes extensive gardens, A FREE ZOO (monkeys!!!), an area for events and dancing, a bar/café and more. I am going to, uh, borrow some photos from the internets to show you.

This park always has action going on. Last weekend we walked through and noticed American flags around (whaaa?). It turned out to be an old school dance to U.S. music from the WWII era to celebrate the military relationship between US & France at that time. There were French tanks and classic Americana collectibles.

One side of the park opens up to the gem of Nancy, Place Stanislas. It is popular in France to have town squares which have elaborate buildings, gates, arcs and the like.

The opera building

Hotel Deville. In France hotel can mean different things, like this one is an administrative building. Throughout the summer they have a light show on this building...

An old man spends his days (and nights?) in front of this building, with his dog and mattress, reading books.

After exploring Place Stanislas, we get lost around town and take model pictures on old cobbled streets.

Built in 1336 ! this throughway has grates on top of it so that when armies invaded Nancy and went through here, French soldiers could pour hot oil or other scorching liquids on them.

There are a few cathedrals in Nancy, and most of them are so massive I can't even show the height of them with my iPod camera. I went in here one day for some peace and prayer, and the man in charge of keeping it up was vacuuming loudly and moving the chairs around. It was a pretty comical sight, him talking to his fellow janitor and noisily cleaning next to Jesus on a cross. I guess a job's a job huh?

A different cathedral, at night.

Woo! What a day. Time to head home.

I can't work in France (per my visa) so my days consist of writing 4-8+ hours, editing, looking for freelance work/building my portfolio, keeping in touch with folks, getting daily groceries (typical for French people, folks don't bulk buy), cooking and cleaning. Since I'm in France and champagne costs 2 bucks (1,29 euros), sometimes it accompanies my housewifery :)

A major job of mine is keeping Joel full of cheese, which makes him happier than pretty much anything else. Cheese is also crazy cheap which is crazy awesome.

Above our bed. I cut out strips of paper to make a hanging photo area. Send me photos and I'll put them up! :) The rose is for my birthday, and since we don't want to buy dishes we use old jars for cups and booze bottles for vases! We had to try genuine article Absinthe, which supposedly contains "the green fairy," which makes you feel floaty/hallucinate. I couldn't get past the taste to really try it and tell but Joel likes it. (BTW the books are The War of Art by Steven Pressfield, INCREDIBLE book about overcoming resistance to getting things done, and Sourcebook on Atomic Energy, Joel's downtime reading material.)

But what about dinner? Normally we eat at home besides occasionally going out for kebabs, AMAZING lamb/pita/lettuce/mystery sauce magic. I saw this gem on a walk around town:

Nailed it ?

But since it's my birthday weekend !! we went to a proper French restaurant where they serve 4 courses- entreé, plat, fromage (cheese plate, because after 2 other plates of food why the hell not?), and dessert.

The full enchilada includes drinks- aperitif before the meal, wine during, and a digestif (cognac, among others) after.

Joel's Korea throwback in the fancy French restaurant

Awesome ambience complete with perfectly stoic French waiter!

The story of our French meal isn't complete without this little tidbit: In France, "doggie bags" or taking leftovers to go is not a thing. This causes an issue for people like me who a) can't eat 4 freaking courses in one sitting, and b) hates wasting food. So we devised a plan that I would run back to our apartment and put a zip-loc bag in my purse, and when the waiter was away, scoop the food into the bag. So as I'm about to do this, the waiter comes back in to ask us if we're ready for the next course! So I'm stumbling around in my purse, and as I am not built for a life of crime, start blabbing in English trying to cover my tracks. It was hysterical. I almost lost my nerve but ended up successfully transporting the food home, leaving some so it didn't seem too far-fetched. Last time I was in France, I smuggled out pizza in a napkin in my pants which was only slightly more successful.

 Just for fun, here's a picture of us back in December 2010, the day Joel met me at the Paris airport. He was studying in Poitiers and I came to visit (paying for the trip by slinging pizzas and sleeping on Julie's couch for 4 months...thanks Jules!). We spent a month hanging out in his sleepy town and backpacking Europe. This was my first trip overseas, and my mind was BLOWN. I adopted the motto, "Save, travel, repeat" which continues to this day.

Look at those baby faces

I hope you enjoyed this day in Nancy. I will update again when I can. Love to you and yours!! xoxoxox